Despair

Paint your face for me. Paint it crimson. Arm in arm across the way. Sprinting towards the edge. Falling into fire ; swim in my eyes. Doused in blackness and gasoline. Torment and tension stitched to and thru skin. Razor wire , bone , sinew , and blood. It’s rising up in me and I can’t stop it. I write on the walls trying to keep it at bay. I don’t want to again. I don’t want to. But I can feel it clawing at me; biting at me. Little teeth. Gleaming chompers. Dumping lava into my veins. I squeeze tight, curl into a ball trying to crush the snake in my belly. It starts small…little sparks ; then the bigger logs begin to catch light and I’m up and away. Blazing like an inferno I’m gone outta sight. Running to the brink I can feel the heat under my feet and the wind on my face. I wish I could burn right up…I need relief then it’ll be gone. Something anything to clear away the slate of my heart and make me blank inside. I close my eyes and demons of love and loss cavort across the darkness. There is no peace. There is no peace and I wish the earth would open and swallow me. The urn of my soul is broken and all of me is gushing out. The sand drinks it up greedily begging for more and I wish I had none left to give. But more and more and more keeps flowing out. Like a finger in an open sore. Like that infected tooth that you can’t keep from touching with your tongue. The scab you can’t help but pick. I’m hurting and I wish I could force myself to end it. I want to smear blood across my forehead and rub my face with ash. I want to sit under a moon black as sack cloth and lament loss , despair against finality , and rage indiscriminately against anyone and everything till my fingers are worn down to the bone and I cough blood in vivid gaudy streams. To hear the sound of anyone screaming except me would give me peace. Instead of sitting inside this tomb to lost love and rehashing everything…going over the words and the days and the years again and again. I run my fingers over it studying the crevices and crannies looking for an imperfection. Some indication...something to tell me I could have seen this all coming. I’m at ground zero…a pillar of ash...stark and alone, oblivious that the world around me has drastically changed and the road ahead is dark , lonely and uncertain. I feel spent and all that’s left is this quiet agony. I’m at the edge of the abyss; one good shove is all I need. Then I could escape into the black...falling forever…and finally have peace…instead of looking at scattered pictures and shattered glass…Instead of praying for my love to come back…instead of waiting for the joy in my eyes to return…I miss her

Agony

Agony

The perception of pain is a profound entity. Pain , is a multifaceted highly variegated yet almost ephemeral machine. Nocireceptors innervated by "A delta" nerve fibers detect pain sensation through out the body. The exact mechanism of pain is incredible in that from the instant of stimulus nerve impulses fire traveling at almost 20 meters per second sending signals to the brain which in turn sends impulses back to the site of stimulus. For the sake of discussion let us consider , the lit end of a cigarette pressed against an erect nipple. The instant the burning end of the cigarette comes into contact with the delicate skin of the aforementioned nipple alarm bells sound. The "A delta" fibers react to this stimulus releasing neurotransmitters : Glutamic acid and Substance - P these in turn send electrical impulses racing along nerve fiber axons to the dorsal horn cells in the spine and finally to the thalamus in the brain. Doesn't sound too impressive until one considers that as I intimated previously pain is multifaceted. Pain sensation is heightened by other adjacent stimulus . For all intensive purposes the pain of accidental exposure of the nipple to a burn and a cigarette burn to the nipple are the exact same pain. Why then is the act of someone placing a cigarette against said nipple so much more distressing. The mind is an animal that can turn on its master in an instant. The visual stimulus of seeing someone placing a cigarette against your nipple and deriving sadistic pleasure from it can heighten pain. The smell of your own flesh charring , the taste of acid rising in your gorge in disgust all contribute to the perception of pain. Even the natural avoidance reaction of closing the eyes and turning away from the pain stimulus dump acetyl choline into your blood stream heightening fear and in turn pain. In this sense pain can be conquered by simply concentrating on the pain..in essence "owning" your pain. This act of acceptance releases endorphins into your system calming you and ultimately filling you with a feeling of elation and euphoria. The body reacts by selectively inhibiting and dampening the travel of pain along the spinal cord , and the resting threshold of pain is increased. The synapses that receive pain stimulus become flooded with. positive stimuli and all receptors for pain get occupied not allowing for any further perception of pain. The smell of burning flesh etc. may be distressing but your acceptance and acute awareness of the pain while not preventing damage to your rather unfortunate nipple..or even completely numbing the pain..does go a long way to changing your minds interpretation of this pain...you begin to welcome the sensation "Yes , this is bearable , come now, you need to dole out more if you want me to scream". Pain like anything else that we perceive is chemical. Once understood any negative stimulus can be dealt with the same way acute pain is. Your knowledge of pain sets you free. You are stronger than you were before.